I abandoned prayer a long time ago, heartfelt prayer anyways. Recently I decided to put forth a little effort and at least try. I'm starting to realize I never fully repented of the poor decisions that I made in the months before I met Bill. After all these years, the most important part of repentance is starting to finally kick in.
A change of heart. The desire to be better and not just mediocre. I believe it took getting out of Utah to help me take a better look at myself and realize that I'm not even close to who I want to be. Utah is great for some people, but not for me. I take advantage of everything I am blessed with and I fall into being just "one of the numbers".
This morning I woke up and felt like my heart has done a slight turn. Paisley has been the tool in His hand today. I've already lost count of how many hugs she has given Me. Several times she has walked right up to me, grabbed my face and just stared into my eyes. Its as if God is using Her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
As I was kneeling against my bed this morning, saying one of my first heartfelt prayers in years, Paisley climbed up on the bed and knocked on my face and said "knock, knock".
Its that simple.
Knock. That's all He asks of us is to knock and he'll open the door to Us. Finally, My door is starting to open, at least a crack.
I've been trying to live my life and accomplish being a good mother, wife and person without his help. But its impossible. It just can't be.
Today I am so grateful for change and the freshness that it brings. I am grateful for challenges that compell us to draw closer to Him. Most of all I am grateful for a husband that never gives up. He tries. We are far from perfect, but that's okay. All that matters is that we both try.
I think both our hearts is on the verge of changing and I look forward to falling in love with Him all over again. Hating him for his imperfections and hating me for my imperfections will not get us anywhere. Only God will.
Right now he's using our kids as the tool to change our hearts.
Thank You Lord, I couldn't ask for a better tool.
2 comments:
I've been feeling the EXACT same way! I am actually dreading going back to Utah this summer. I am so happy you feel so inspired. I've always thought you were an amazing person, friend, mother and wife.
It's so funny how so much change can remind you of how truly special our kids are and we start to really see their little spirits. Oliver gets so excited when we go by the temple now, "Temple, Temple! Bye bye Temple!" He's even asked to go play in the temple :)
Keep it up friend, you're headed in the right direction.
Miss you tons!
Your awesome Ginger!! Thank you for your post!
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