Blessings through Trials

I am starting to see so many blessings coming through my trials. I want to cry tears of gratitude instead of tears of sadness or frustration and its invigorating.  Through the loneliness and seclusion I have lost myself in painting furniture.  It is very therapeutic. I love it so much I forget to eat, I lose sleep and I even dream about it.

In a way I feel like I can express myself through rebuilding and making ugly furniture beautiful and fun.  As corny as it sounds I can't help but compare it to me.  My spirit has felt so dark and repressed for the last several years and its starting to come alive through my painting.  Lame? Maybe.  But its healing my spirit.  Its also bringing in some extra income which is definitely a blessing at this time in our lives.

Has my friend situation here changed? No.  But, I have become so much closer to a few friends from back home and I value that friendship more than anything right now.  This particular friendship has also inspired me to write a book that I feel is much needed for the women in the world today.  Last night I lay awake most of the night, feeling moved that God really wants me to do this and I'm excited to take on the challenge. I'm also very grateful for my friends and family back home who have continued to stay in touch since we have been here. I don't think they will ever know how much I have come to depend on them to help me get through the lonely times here in Alaska.

Most of all, the greatest miracle of all to me is that I have not given up on being a member of this church.  Though I get easily frustrated with some of the people within it and even question some of its teachings, I am amazed I have continued going each week.  I won't lie. I am at a point where if I am not careful I feel like I could quit at any moment.  Its hard for me to feel the spirit at church, whether that's from my own insecurities or dealing with three very young kids, I don't know.  All I can say is I am feeling the spirit's promptings just often enough to keep me going.  And I'm treasuring those feelings and grasping on to them tightly.

I don't know the answers to everything this gospel teaches and the older I get, logically some things just don't make sense to me, but thank heaven above for sending flutters of a feeling of knowing I am on the right path. The older I get the more I recognize I can't depend on the members of the church to keep my testimony going.  It truly is my responsibility and my relationship with God that determines truth, not my interactions with the members.

President Monson said: "Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty".

I think he's right.  Actually, I know he's right.

What I'd give to be this little girl right now.

Him

I'm so glad I married this hunka lovin, piece of meat.  We've been married 4 1/2 years and he is still just as patient with me and my moods today as he was when we first met.

We don't fight, we never have.  We've had some disagreements, but we have always been able to work through them quite quickly and easily.  And then we forget about them. Move on. Be done.

My struggles since we've moved here have not been secret and I feel I've become quite moody since living here.  I don't like who I've become since moving to Alaska, quite the pessimist I dare say. (I haven't always hated being here, its just been recent). Yet through my negative rants and frustrations, He is still here, calm and collected and with the words "no worries".  When I say I can't put up with something anymore, he very easily says okay and then makes things work out so I'll be happy. Most importantly he does not resent me for it.  He's so much better at seeing the bigger picture.

I love him. I love that I can say anything to him, sometimes even pretty harsh things.  But He is so patient, is not quick to take offense and does whatever he needs to do to make me happy.  He really is what I need and sometimes when I am so upset and so irrational with my thoughts, deep down I know that through it all, he will still be there, calm and patient.

I spoke with a woman at church yesterday who moved to Alaska 23 years ago from Utah.  She said this was the coldest summer she has seen in those 23 years and without me even telling her my thoughts on Alaska, she proceeded to share hers.

For five years she was miserable.  It got to a point where she felt it was either divorce her husband or learn to like it here.  She mentally had to do a huge adjustment to her attitude and she finally started to learn to love it.

Thankfully I am not at that point and I am grateful God inspired her to briefly share her experience with Me, because I don't want to get to that point she did. It was a very short, but huge conversation that needed to take place.

My happiness here all comes down to me and my choice. Bill has been saying that all along.  It has pissed me off for the most part, but I know it is true. I fear my negativity and "depression" over some of the circumstances of being here, have caused me to not make close friendships.  I fully acknowledge that by being a "downer" I have probably either pushed some people away or simply kept them at a distance.

At this moment, I am okay with that.  In the end, the only thing that matters is that my Husband is still by my side and my children are happy.  This journey in life certainly has its ups and its downs and I am very grateful for choosing Bill to take the ride with.  He is an amazing Man and he is perfect for me.

I Love You Bill. Even in Alaska.

We had a wonderful weekend camping at Miller's Landing.  We drove down on my 34th Birthday and had two families from our ward join us, the Crowther's and the Vien's Families.  It pretty much rained all weekend. It was wet, cold, muddy and mosquito infested, but it was beautiful.  I was so happy.  I am always happiest when Bill and I and the kids are all together.

Within five minutes of pulling in, we were watching two humpback whales playing in the inlet.  They were breaching and jumping all over the place.  We also saw several sea otters, in fact they were so close Paisley and McKoy were able to point them out.

It was really an uneventful weekend, but it was exactly what I needed.  Time with my Bill.  When we are together, things really are okay.  Its when he's away that I start making up all these crazy stories about how we need more time together and something "must be wrong" because I don't have this picture perfect family time being met, if that makes sense.  But everything really is okay.

Since my last post, things have been good, not perfect, but good.  When I focus on my children and don't worry about all the other little things that seem to bother me, I am patient, happy and content.  I love the little lessons that God is teaching me.  Depression, Trials, whatever you want to call it, in the end is something that we need to go through.  I just need to trust in Him more and not be so self centered.  I need to get off my pity party train and start enjoying life like those humpback whales.  Don't be surprised if you see a picture of Me breaching out of the ocean. Nude.

Just Kidding.

Well maybe that would cure me.

Okay, sorry for the visual.

But something to contemplate.

Don't you think??

(Alisha Williams Smith if you're reading this, do you remember our "Little Mermaid" stunts we use to pull at Hansen's Pond?? ) Hehehehehehehehe......

Sad Garlic Farts

I'm a walking garlic clove, I smell bad. Real bad.  As a result of three kids I have some not so fun physical after effects and the cure? Garlic.  With all the spinach I've been eating, the two combined leaves a powerful opportunity, for anyone who dare enter my house, a chance to bask in a beautiful aroma of Garlic Farts.

That said, I think I'm depressed.  I don't want to be, but I am.  After choosing to do two things (one I really don't want to talk about) and the other (just look at the picture), I finally just decided to accept that I am having trouble being happy.

I keep telling myself I am justified.  I know, I know "Happiness is the state of the Heart and its a Choice".  I hear that all the time.  For the most part I believe its true, until it applies to me.  Stupid, I know.  But these are the reasons I'm struggling.

#1- I have no close friends in Alaska.  I don't know if my expectations are set too high or what, but I just can't seem to find that friend who feels like she could be a sister.  I am aching for that type of friend who I can call up and at the last minute they will go to a movie with me.  A friend that I can confide anything and everything in and I don't have to sit and wonder afterwards if I said too much or too little.  A friend who I can be myself, who will call or txt me just as much as I can call or txt her.  That friend where you just don't have to try.  What's sad is that I have many of these friends back home or who live in other states, but this friend exists everywhere, but here.  I love that I can call these friends, but in reality a phone call is just not the same as physical presence.

#2-I miss my family.  A lot.  I am sad that my kids won't grow up around their cousins, their Aunts, Uncles and more important their Grandmother's and Grandfather.  My best childhood memories were getting together with all my cousins at my Grandma Ella's house or my cousins at my Aunt Amy's house.  I grew up knowing my cousins well, real well.  My kids won't have that.  That makes me sad.

#3-I live in a beautiful part of the world, but during the summer it rains (a whole gosh darn lot) and during the winter it snows (a whole gosh darn lot more) and add the darkness to that.  There is something symbolic about having "The Sun" or should I say "Son" in your life.  My relationship with The Savior is lacking, for many reasons that I don't want to get in to at this point.  I miss seeing the sun and feeling of its warmth. Both of them.

#4- My husband is gone, a lot.  When we were in Salt Lake he worked so much and traveled so much we rarely had time together.  I thought moving here I'd give up seeing my family and friends, but would at least have him home more.  Alaska is ridiculously expensive so between trying to save money and pay for all the summer activities that come with living here, he has picked up a part time evening job.  He is also involved in the Young Men's Program.  He also tries to go fishing and bow shooting as much as possible.  I do want him to take advantage of Alaska, fulfill his callings and work extra to keep us out of debt, but its lonely and its exhausting here at home.

#5- I can't drop the last 15 lbs from having my baby.  I have been working out everyday and eating so healthy and I still can't drop it.  The muffin top that my kids like to play with is a constant reminder of how non sexy I feel.

So there you have it.  My five top reasons that are keeping me down.  Chopping off all my hair and creating the space to get hit on by other women makes me sad, real sad.  It was just the cherry on top of the ice cream.

I don't want to be this person who focuses on the bad, but I am having such a hard time getting out of this funk.  I have such a wonderful sister who is always encouraging me to do better with the little things like prayer and reading scripture, but at the end of the day when the kids are in bed all I can think about is putting my own head down and falling asleep.

I know I am blessed.  I have three beautiful healthy children and a honest, hard working faithful husband.  Why then when I have all that I've ever hoped and prayed for can I not just be happy?  Even with the top five frustrating things that are currently bringing me down, why can't I just get off it and put a smile on my face and FEEL happy?

It hit me hardest the other night.  I was putting Paisley to bed and she did something that made me laugh and she said "Look Mamma, you're smiling".  My three year old, the one who has trouble communicating, is the one who expressed pleasant surprise to see my smile.  That's sad in and of itself.

I don't want to end this post sad, so I'm going to post some pictures of the kids.  If anything, at least I know they are happy.  You can see it in their eyes.

New Rug = Tender Mercy

We started out the day with two little sets of hands dumping their entire bowl full of cheerios on to the floor.  Cleaning up wet cheerios that happened to land on CARPET isn't really my idea of a tender mercy from the Lord.  Neither is my daughter dumping a Costco sized bag full of pretzels onto my kitchen floor. Yes this happened in the same day, in fact within an hour from each other. And the bag was full.

My house seems to always be in chaos.  I'm not exaggerating. When I say always,  I mean always.  My house also always smells like poop.  Its nothing but poopy, noisy chaos.  With all this going on, how in the world do I even try to prepare a talk for a little boy's baptism? I was asked to give a talk at one of my Primary kids baptism tonight and all day I was so very close to calling his mother and telling her I was sick,  (Sick in the head)  and would not be able to do as I had promised.

Well its about an hour before the baptism and I am trying to get myself ready and three kids ready.  Out of nowhere all three decide to have melt downs at the exact same time, for no apparent reason.  I was kneeling on my new rug, changing Jagger when I decided why not join in?

So there I kneel in the middle of the floor, bent over my ottoman and a FEW of the tears that I have been holding back for weeks started to finally flow.   The only thought that flows through my heart is "God, I can't do this alone, I need your help".  Its the only thing I can say and no joke, my kids start quieting down.  I grab Jagger and hold him in my lap and continue to cry.  Then McKoy slides his way into my arms and just lays his head on my knees as I continue to cry.   Paisley then walks in the room, comes up behind me, wraps her arms around my neck, leans up on her tip toes and reaches around so she can kiss me on the cheek.  Yes, I am still crying.  At this point she breaks away, comes and stands in front of me and gives me a kiss on the lips and then goes back to wrapping her arms around my neck.

I won't ever forget these few minutes, this "Tender Mercy" where I was holding all three of my babies, and it was ME that was having a meltdown and they were the ones staying calm and quiet.

So much has taken place in this little rented living space of ours, the living room in particular.  This room has been where most of the fighting,rough housing, the yelling, the spills, the drawing on the walls, the carpet and the bathroom accidents have all taken place.  But today this was the room where the Mom cried like the baby and the three babies acted like the adult.

In reality, they were the ones holding me.  On my new rug. Such a tender mercy.

The Positive Side

Okay, so my little vent the other night was so much more therapeutic than I thought it would be. I REALLY want to enjoy Alaska, not just so I will be happier, but so my kids will be happy and most importantly so Bill will be happy.  I've got to start looking at the positives and quit day dreaming about living close to family and friends again.  So, as great as that little vent was, I am going to choose to write about the things that I love about Alaska and my children and perhaps it will take my mind off of missing my family so much.

 What I love about McKoy.   McKoy is such a sweet heart, a tease and a little flirt.  He is HILARIOUS!!!  He loves food, especially Popsicle's. First word out of his mouth in the morning is a request for a "Popikle".  The way he asks for one is so stinking adorable, like its the most brilliant idea in the world and something he's never ever thought of asking for before.  He is full of hugs and every night when you tuck him in to bed he loves to wrap his arms around your neck and pull you in tight and says "My Mommy". His favorite song right now is "Tomorrow" from the movie Annie and his girlfriend is Ariel from Little Mermaid.  He is such a stud, even if he does like to dress up in the Princess Costumes.  Apparently in nursery he likes to steal the women teacher's shoes and prance around in them like he's Lady Gaga.  I love my Thor. So Much. This picture (above) is of Him playing in the Eagle River and trying to act like a bear.

Jagger has been the most smiley and the most ticklish and happy out of the three.  My other two hate getting diaper changes but he giggles through them.  He has been an amazing baby, doesn't sleep so great at nights, but regardless, he is always in a happy mood.  Everyone always exclaims that he looks so surprised all the time and well, he does.  He just has these big brown beautiful eyes and has the oddest expressions.  He likes to projectile vomit a lot, not just a little but a whole gosh darn lot.  He never liked cereal or baby food so he pretty much went straight to table foods at 7 months.  He  has been such a delightful, easy baby. In this picture He is sitting in front of the campfire at the Eagle River Campground.

Oh Paisley, my energetic, bouncing off the walls little girl.  In all her climbing and craziness, she is so sweet and loves to think outside the box.  The creative things that she comes up with blows me away, she always looks at things and does things so differently it amazes me.  Whether its the way she eats her food or the way she plays with a game, I've come to believe she has her daddy's mind because well she just does things so differently.  She is so determined and strong willed and wants things done pretty much her way or no way.  She's a challenge, but she''s good for me.  My friend has her children calling me "Miss Ginger" and well, Paisley has decided she no longer needs to call me Mommy, but "Miss Ginger". Here Paisley is roasting her mallows at the campfire.

Here we are about to sleep our first night in a tent.  Last summer Daddy got to enjoy camping with these two quite often and this Memorial Weekend was my turn to experience camping with my kids and well, I loved it. (Above).
(Below) Here is Bill with two friends and each of them holding their tiny little dogs.  It was such a great picture, three grown men with their "manly" dogs.

Alaska is so beautiful and during this camping experience I told Bill that I could stay in Alaska forever.  Well then a few days go by and all the sudden I am homesick and wishing we could be closer to them.  This camping trip was 3 weeks ago and I have had a bad attitude about Alaska ever since.  I realize my posts may bore many people, but I really feel the need to write about our Alaskan Adventure and look for the good in being here.  I am hoping that by doing so I will become more grateful and happy as we raise our family in such a unique part of the world and far away from our loved ones.

So here's to writing down the positive side of being here.  If I choose to vent here or there, please don't judge.  This is going to become my therapeutic outlet.  That and exercise.

So here's to looking forward to a more positive future.

Bacon Grease and Crack

So really I just need to vent.

Obviously, I haven't done a thing on here since Jagger was born. Obviously.

Okay, so who would want to sit down and write down all the crazy, horrendous, funny, exhausting and gross things that three toddlers do, under the age of three.  Oh gosh.  I can't believe I just popped out three kids in three years.  What were we thinking? Did we really just do that?

 How can I poetically express nicely that I want to rub down my oldest two in bacon grease and stick them in the middle of the Alaskan Wilderness?  Can I, as a mother , just say "Bear Bait" over and over and over and not be condemned for it?  Whether its diarrhea being flung on the carpet, being puked on, being hit, being bitten, urination on the couch, yelling, screaming, fighting, kicking, whining and then trying to please the husband, its all gotta drive a woman crazy ESPECIALLY when that woman has sleep deprivation.

I have finally seen the light and the wisdom in the Plural Wife thing.  I for one could use an extra five sets of hands around here. Yes, I really did just say that.  It use to really bother me that the men could have more than one wife and not the other way around.  Well really, why would I want more than one husband to please anyways? I believe if I had more than one husband I'd be in an eternal state of being pissed off.  So check that frustration off the list, I'm pleased that I only have one husband to try and make happy.  Oh and if it were totally legal, I think I'd let Bill pick out our five sister wives and hop on that band wagon faster than I can fall asleep (and lately that's pretty darn fast).

It doesn't help that I'm living in the worst dressed city in the nation.  There is a reason for that ya know. Living in Alaska is not so much about what you look like but how to keep warm.  So its freaking June and we haven't hit above 60 degrees.  I think I can count on one hand how many times I've seen the sun this season.  Ya, we don't have a summer here, we have a spring/fall.  So really its not a surprise when you hit up Costco and the big, burly, hairy man standing in front of you with gauged ears is wearing Cookie Monster MC Hammer pants and a black sweatshirt. In June, in public.

Fashion in Alaska SUCKS! Its so damn easy to feel like a super model here.

And back to the kid thing.  This is hard.  I'm not gonna lie.  Most days I just wanna lay down and die.  Okay maybe that's a little dramatic, but still...... I do feel like I could lie down and sleep for the next 10 years and be okay with it.

I keep thinking about this little crafty thing I made.  I purchased a 5 ft by 4 ft blank canvas and spray painted it brown and black and cream and had my children put their hands in paint and go to town on it. In bright turquoise colors I placed the words "You're Gonna Miss This" so I would have a reminder each day to have a little more patience and convince myself that I am going to miss this stage.  Well the past few weeks I've been quite pissed off at Trace Adkins for coming out with that song.  I think its all a lie, he is feeding us all full of crap.  Its easy for him to say that because he's gone, he's not home all day with his kids.

Really Mr Adkins?  What's to miss about your kids bringing your brand new puppies dog shit in to your house with their bare hands?  What's to miss about just getting out of a nice clean bath and then having your baby projectile vomit on you as your putting him to sleep?  What's to miss about your 3 yr old daughter biting your 2 yr old son over and over and over and not getting how bad it hurts him?  What's to miss about your two year old having a runny, slimy blowout and then putting his hands down his pants and smearing it on your carpet like its whip cream?  What's to miss about your children getting in food fights and spitting their food at each other like they are in World War II?

Oh Mr Adkins, I think you've been smoking crack.

Can I have some of that?

Two most important things on my shopping list today:
Bacon Grease and Crack.