23 Week Update

Its been 3 weeks since I've been on bed rest. I am now 23 weeks along and feeling a bit more anxious about Jagger. I had an appointment on Monday and was told that my cervix is continuing to thin, or in other words efface. I have also tested positive for Strep B infection, something that they do not treat until you are delivering the baby. I know this is common for many women and typically its not too scary. They will give you IV Antibiotics during the delivery which reduces the risk of the baby catching the infection. However, with my prolapses, the doctors have said that because my muscles are so weak, this baby could just slip on out when he decides to come. So, given the high chance of preterm labor and the prolapses, if Jagger decides to enter this world quickly and without antibiotics, there is a good chance of him being born with disabilities or a low survival rate.

I've heard many uplifting stories and many heartbreaking stories. Having all this time in the world to think, it seems a little bit more easier to think of the worst. God doesn't make mistakes, right? That's what I keep telling myself. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I had a dream a few weeks ago that won't leave my mind. In this dream, Bill and I were sitting across from each other at a very long table. There were a bunch of people in the room, I want to say it was family, but I can't be certain it was. Anyhow, someone was discussing the possibility of our baby being born with disabilities and I turned to look at Bill. He was already staring at me and without either of us speaking, we both knew that what this person was saying was true.

That's all I remember. Perhaps this is weighing on my mind so much and my thoughts are rolling over in to my dreams. Perhaps its God's way of preparing Us to welcome such a special spirit in to our home. When I told Bill what the Doctor said, about him being born with disabilities, Bill reminded me that I had always wanted to raise a child with disabilities.

Now. Though I would be extremely humbled to be asked to do this, I would not necessarily volunteer for this as I once had. After creating a piece of you and your husband, the thought of seeing your child suffer and go through life differently is something very difficult to process. The idea of seeing other children make fun of your child because they look funny or walk funny or talk funny is not very comforting. I do not want to see my child suffer. I want my children to experience all the joys and beauty that the world can offer.

Now. As I look at this picture above, some random picture of a baby that was born at 23 weeks and survived, I know there is hope. I would much rather have a baby survive with disabilities than a baby not survive at all. This babies story is amazing and you can read it here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-444524/The-baby-survived-50-blood-transfusions-flesh-eating-bug.html

I am so grateful and humbled by the many acts of service that have come our way. If it were not for their help, their love, their support and prayers, our little Jagger may not have made it this far. My wonderful husband has become a cleaner, cook and mother over night. Many of my friends have commented on how optimistic and patient he has been and they couldn't speak any more truth.

Thank you to those of you who read my blog silently and perhaps even offer up prayers on our behalf. I feel them, as cheesy as that may sound, I do. Many times I break down crying because I am overwhelmed with how many people care. I am often asked if I am bored and in reality I haven't had much time to get bored. Between visits, phone calls, txts and emails I have an amazing social life!!!

I really could die happy because of the love I feel from so many. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your love.

Dad

I don't know how I lucked out. I just happen to have the two greatest dads in my life. Of course, that's a bias statement, but its true. One of the the reasons I have come to love Bill even more is because of how he father's our children. Bill lost his father when he was 12 yrs old. When we married I wondered how he would be as a father, because of this loss. But I don't have to wonder any more. Bill is an incredible father. He loves his children and it is very evident in the way that he chooses to spend his time. When Bill gets home from work he doesn't rush out to go do some hobby or activity, he play with his kids. On the weekends he doesn't rush out to go do some hobby or activity, he plays with his kids. Every chance he gets, he is playing with them and I love watching this. I have to often push him to go spend time with the guys because if he had the choice, he'd just stay home to be with his family. That primary song "When Daddy comes home" must have been inspired by my children because they do exactly what that song says. Helga and Thor are truly blessed.

I don't even know where to begin in regards to my Father. If anyone has reached perfection in this life, it is my father. I don't recall my father EVER yelling at me. He is the most humble and hard working man I know of. He never complains, he never puts you down, and he has never said an unkind word about anyone. He has said thank you to my mother after every dinner she has prepared. He is a man of few words, but when he does speak he speaks with gentle advice and love. My father spent time teaching me basketball and baseball growing up. He taught me how to work hard and I cherish those memories of working on the farm with Him. I know I have let my Dad down over the years with some choices I have made, but he has never made me feel bad or evil for making those choices. He lets his children live their lives and make their own choices and doesn't force his opinion on any of us. My father is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky to have been raised by him.

Jagger

It's been awhile since I've gone through a big trial. Looking back I can say most trials have brought me closer to God. Sadly, the hardest one I had to go through took me farther from Him, not closer. But, that was my choice. Not His.

Our family is now facing a trial, one I never thought we would have to face. Being so far from family and friends, the only source of strength we can rely on, is God's. Is it coincidence that on Sunday the lesson in church that impacted me the most was the one about "Trusting in the Lord". The only sentence that has been replaying over and over in my mind is "God doesn't make ANY mistakes".

So the day after this lesson, I am told by my OBGYN that my little baby boy could come at any time. I am 20 weeks pregnant. My cervix is shrinking and I've started having contractions. Remedy? Strict Bed Rest, weekly ultrasounds and weekly shots and medication. Definition of Strict Bed Rest he says is: Only out of bed for bathroom breaks and showers.

How in the world do I do this? I'm in Alaska, not just a drive away from family and friends if you haven't noticed. Oh and did I mention I have two kids? Both in diapers, both craving attention and one needing to be picked up quite often.

How. Do. We. Do. This.

The thought of Jagger coming early and not surviving scares me to death. Look at Him with his little hand up by his mouth. He still needs time, he just has to survive. I'm doing everything I can to have faith and believe that "there are no accidents" with God, that whatever happens is meant to be.

But I already love this little guy so much and appreciate so much more the ability I've had to bring Paisley and McKoy in to this world. I just pray He makes it, I want to give life to my little Jagger so badly. Please say just a little prayer for Him. Please.

Just Mom

Perhaps the reason we respond so universally to our mothers’ love is because it typifies the love of our Savior. As President Joseph F. Smith said, “The love of a true mother comes nearer [to] being like the love of God than any other kind of love” (“The Love of Mother,” Improvement Era,Jan. 1910, 278).

So maybe this isn't the best picture of My Mother showing the Love of God, but I just don't have many pictures of Her. She hates getting her picture taken, but I do love this picture of her.

I've been thinking a lot about "Motherhood" lately. Most of it has been about me and my ability to be a Mom. Obviously, Its been more of a frustrating view than a positive view.

So, at the beginning of the week, I decided to make a goal and read something every day about the inspiration a Mother has on Her children. I can't believe the difference its already made. Its just been a simple difference, not a profound one I was hoping for, but I'm okay with simple. Simple is good.

I cam across a few quotes that I really needed to hear. Here they are.

"Because mothers are essential to God’s great plan of happiness, their sacred work is opposed by Satan, who would destroy the family and demean the worth of women." - Russell M. Nelson

"Some of you sisters may feel inadequate because you can’t seem to do all you want to do. Motherhood and parenting are most challenging roles. You also have Church callings that you fulfill so capably and conscientiously. In addition, many of you, besides all this, have to work as well as care for your family. My heart goes out to the widows and the single-parent sisters who bear so much of the responsibility of parenting. In general you noble sisters are doing a much better job of holding it all together and making it work than you realize. May I suggest that you take your challenges one day at a time. Do the best you can. Look at everything through the lens of eternity. If you will do this, life will take on a different perspective."-James E. Faust

My own Mother did such a great job at holding things together. All this week I've been thinking of Her. I know she would disagree with me, but I really can't remember my Mom yelling at my siblings or I. My mother was always home when we got home from school. Not just elementary, but all through out high school as well. My mother was at church every Sunday. She cooked dinner every night. She always had home baked cookies and cakes. If she wanted to work out, she worked out at home or went for walks. She never dropped Us off at daycare somewhere to "get a break". She sewed our clothing for Us, as long as we would wear them. She always had the house clean. My mother is of few words, but she is a huge influence in my life. She goes out of Her way to make sure everyone else is taken care of, before her own needs are met.

The more I think about my Mom, the more I realize she was the perfect homemaker. I've only been at this for 2 1/2 years and already I am looking for "a daily break". I don't remember her expressing a need to get away from Us at all during the 18 years we were at home. I never remember hearing my Mother express she was dissatisfied with "just being a mom", she made me feel like we were the most important thing in Her life.

I'm so grateful my kids are so young and won't remember me complaining that I haven't enjoyed being just mom. I never want my children to think there was something out in the world that was more important than them. No job, no money, nothing. I want to make them feel just as important as my Mom made me feel.

I am working on appreciating and being grateful for having the ability to be at home with my kids and "Just Be Mom". I've got a great example to look up too. Thank you Mom for all that you've done and will continue to do. Thank you for being Just Mom.

Thankful

Its taken a move to Alaska for me to fully appreciate and gain a little more understanding on the sacrifice our troops have made for our country.

I've been told about 75% of our Ward is Military. We are within 15 minutes of an Air force Base and an Army Base.

Near our home is a walk way that goes over the highway and there are always signs welcoming home a mother or father, serving in the war.

I see the women in our ward struggle through their husbands being deployed and I hear the Men stand up and share their testimony or experience of being deployed. It amazes me what they are fighting for. It amazes me even more how the spouse makes it through the time their husband is gone. I can't imagine the fear they must experience as they say their goodbyes. Now that Usama Bin Laden is dead, their fear has increased.

Tonight it hit home a little more though. Our neighbors have been married a year, her husband is in the army. We haven't spoken much, just an occasional hello here or there. Anyhow, our doorbell rang a bit ago and as I opened the door, she stood there with tears flowing down Her face asking if She could use my phone. Her best friend had just called to inform Her, her husband had just been killed in Afghanistan and her cell phone had died. Of course I grabbed my phone and charger and told Her to keep it as long as she needed.

It was a quick exchange, maybe less than 2 minutes, but I can't get it out of my head. I feel so humbled and thankful that my husband is right here with me. I am so thankful for our soldiers and for their bravery. I am somewhat speechless and feel a bit ashamed for wallowing in my own self pity. I have it good. Real good. The reason I have it good is because of living in this country and having the freedom to choose my own path, my own life, my own career (whatever that may be) my own religion and my own future. I'm having this ahh haa moment and hoping it sticks. Whenever I get discouraged or frustrated, I just need to remember that at least I have my freedom to choose.

She just knocked on my door again, returning my phone. She just told me, her friend just had a newborn baby boy. I want to cry. I can't imagine my children growing up without their father. This newborn baby will never know his Daddy. This soldier.

My goodness, I must be pregnant. This makes me want to take in and savor every moment Bill spends with the kids. I think I'll go cry, better yet, I'll go say a prayer for this gal from Philly who just lost her husband in war.