That said, I think I'm depressed. I don't want to be, but I am. After choosing to do two things (one I really don't want to talk about) and the other (just look at the picture), I finally just decided to accept that I am having trouble being happy.
I keep telling myself I am justified. I know, I know "Happiness is the state of the Heart and its a Choice". I hear that all the time. For the most part I believe its true, until it applies to me. Stupid, I know. But these are the reasons I'm struggling.
#1- I have no close friends in Alaska. I don't know if my expectations are set too high or what, but I just can't seem to find that friend who feels like she could be a sister. I am aching for that type of friend who I can call up and at the last minute they will go to a movie with me. A friend that I can confide anything and everything in and I don't have to sit and wonder afterwards if I said too much or too little. A friend who I can be myself, who will call or txt me just as much as I can call or txt her. That friend where you just don't have to try. What's sad is that I have many of these friends back home or who live in other states, but this friend exists everywhere, but here. I love that I can call these friends, but in reality a phone call is just not the same as physical presence.
#2-I miss my family. A lot. I am sad that my kids won't grow up around their cousins, their Aunts, Uncles and more important their Grandmother's and Grandfather. My best childhood memories were getting together with all my cousins at my Grandma Ella's house or my cousins at my Aunt Amy's house. I grew up knowing my cousins well, real well. My kids won't have that. That makes me sad.
#3-I live in a beautiful part of the world, but during the summer it rains (a whole gosh darn lot) and during the winter it snows (a whole gosh darn lot more) and add the darkness to that. There is something symbolic about having "The Sun" or should I say "Son" in your life. My relationship with The Savior is lacking, for many reasons that I don't want to get in to at this point. I miss seeing the sun and feeling of its warmth. Both of them.
#4- My husband is gone, a lot. When we were in Salt Lake he worked so much and traveled so much we rarely had time together. I thought moving here I'd give up seeing my family and friends, but would at least have him home more. Alaska is ridiculously expensive so between trying to save money and pay for all the summer activities that come with living here, he has picked up a part time evening job. He is also involved in the Young Men's Program. He also tries to go fishing and bow shooting as much as possible. I do want him to take advantage of Alaska, fulfill his callings and work extra to keep us out of debt, but its lonely and its exhausting here at home.
#5- I can't drop the last 15 lbs from having my baby. I have been working out everyday and eating so healthy and I still can't drop it. The muffin top that my kids like to play with is a constant reminder of how non sexy I feel.
So there you have it. My five top reasons that are keeping me down. Chopping off all my hair and creating the space to get hit on by other women makes me sad, real sad. It was just the cherry on top of the ice cream.
I don't want to be this person who focuses on the bad, but I am having such a hard time getting out of this funk. I have such a wonderful sister who is always encouraging me to do better with the little things like prayer and reading scripture, but at the end of the day when the kids are in bed all I can think about is putting my own head down and falling asleep.
I know I am blessed. I have three beautiful healthy children and a honest, hard working faithful husband. Why then when I have all that I've ever hoped and prayed for can I not just be happy? Even with the top five frustrating things that are currently bringing me down, why can't I just get off it and put a smile on my face and FEEL happy?
It hit me hardest the other night. I was putting Paisley to bed and she did something that made me laugh and she said "Look Mamma, you're smiling". My three year old, the one who has trouble communicating, is the one who expressed pleasant surprise to see my smile. That's sad in and of itself.
I don't want to end this post sad, so I'm going to post some pictures of the kids. If anything, at least I know they are happy. You can see it in their eyes.
7 comments:
I'm sorry you are so down and lonely. It would be so hard to be so far from home. I wish I lived close by! It is hard to be a mama and have no fun friends/kindred spirits to help keep you sane and happy. I've been there - down and sad. In fact I'm there a little now. Sometimes you can be sad, even when you don't have those glaring 5 reasons. For what its worth, you look great, skinny and I seriously love the new do. Your kids are happy and that means you are a good mama. Chin up! You are doing a great job, and things will get better!
Ginger, it won't help to know that you're not the only one going through something like this... but... you're not the only one going through something like this. I am struggling right now too, in ways sort of similar to you. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Sistah Sistah Sistah!! I am so sorry you are going thru this!! I should move to Alaska, that way neither of us would feel alone!!
And not that saying this will make it better . . . but YOU ROCK SHORT HAIR!! It looks so CUTE and SASSY - - so cute!!
Sending a HUGE HUG your way!! And hoping the sun somes out soon for us both!!!
Ok, I have been putting of writing a comment for so long now because everytime i go to write you on your blog or on facebook I feel like just calling you would be so much better and more productive. But everytime i think to call I am sure you are asleep so alas, I must write. At least SOMETHING. So listen missy, first and formost I love you. I know you know how many people do, but you can never hear that enough. Second of all,its ok to be sad. And really i dont think we give ourselves permission for that enough either. you have listed some pretty tough circumstances here, so guess what,give yourself a break, have a good cry, and then try again tomorrow. We can talk more about all this when i actually get around to calling you, but i just wanted you to know that I think you are amazing and i miss you like crazy.
oh and for the record, your short hair is super sexy and i am way jealous. An im not a lesbian either! It is literally on my bucket list to someday get a short sassy haircut like that and I hope that when I finally do I can pull it off half as well as you do!
being a mom is hard...real hard. its hard somedays to put on a smile when all the kids are crying at the same time, your sleep deprived, and in your situation-no relief from Grandma. It would be really hard to not have family and friends near by, and you are right, a phone call isn't the same as in person. Hang in there. And, embrace those last 15 pounds....if it makes you feel better, I have been with family visiting for the last 2 weeks and I have gained 8 pounds in two weeks from all the AMAZING food, lol. I laughed when I weighed myself tonight. It eventually comes off.....no worries!!! Hang in there!!!! Love ya. PS love the hair (and i'm not a lesbian either!!)I
Oh my sweet gingy poo...it's not a choice, it's our amazing bodies that have been created to heal...telling you that it's overwhelmed. It's ok to ask for help my love. I love you always.
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